Who Wants to Marry a Villainess

Author's Note:

Who Wants to Marry a Villainess was originally published on Kindle Unlimited. It was the first of the Gray Savidge books to be removed and probably the reason the others were taken down. Its mixture of sex and super-powered murder was compared (uncharitably) to a snuff movie. My main problem with it is that it's not very good. It was supposed to be sexy, violent, and funny, but somehow failed on all three counts.

The story concerns a reality dating show which has been taken over by a supervillainess. A group of eligible bachelors are forced to compete in a series of humiliating challenges for the chance to wed the evil woman. Losers are eliminated... permanently. Warning, this story contains explicit scenes, bad language, and violent death.

Please enjoy, if you can, and remember that this is a fantasy. Violence is bad, okay?

1: There's always a twist

Howard swats one of the hovering camera drones aside and leans in towards Colby. “There’s always a twist.”

Colby is discomfited by Howard’s closeness. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve been on this show twice before. They always shake things up on the first day. Big surprise: everything you knew is wrong. How will the suitors react? Exciting television, I guess.”

The Gulfstream banks and Colby grips the armrest until his knuckles turn white. “Shipping us to an island in the middle of the Pacific isn’t a twist?”

Howard snorts. “The location is window dressing. Wait and see. They’ll eliminate someone before we get off the plane, or we’ll find there are two girls and we have to vote which one we’ll compete for.”

“The girl’s supposed to pick one of us,” says Gabe.

“That’s what makes it a twist. You’ve watched reality TV before, right?”

“I only watch anime,” says Gabe.

“I don’t own a TV,” says Colby.

Howard theatrically throws his hands in the air. “I can’t help you people. Why are you even here?”

“Mom’s idea,” says Colby.

“Bored,” says Gabe.

“Those saps are gonna get eaten alive. I can’t wait.”

Howard W. - Minor celebrity.

“This is going to be harder than a video game. I hate dealing with people.”

Gabe S. - Software entrepreneur.

“Mom says I need to find a wife and move out.”

Colby E. - Accountant.

Eighteen men file off the jet onto a lush tropical island. They shade their eyes from the low morning sun and take in their new surroundings: palm trees, white sand, jagged rocks. In the distance, a smoking volcano looms. A columnated white mansion stands at the end of a long path lined with black rock.

A tall, dark-haired woman in a white silk suit waits on the edge of the landing strip. “Welcome to paradise, gentlemen. I’m Jane. I’ll be your host for this season of The Suitors.” Her accent is English and sharp enough to cut glass.

“Damn,” says Fox to Roland. “I wanna to compete for a piece of that fine ass.”

“You’re disgusting.”

“Try to remember you’re on camera,” says Howard.

“I hate guys who don’t treat women with respect.”

Roland C. - Professional soccer player.

“Screw those guys. Chicks don’t care about nothing but looks and money.”

Fox A. - Bar owner.

“If those two represent the quality of competition this season, I’m going to walk into the final.”

Howard W. - Two-time finalist and loser.

Jane gestures to the path. “The mansion will be your home for the next week. Directions to your rooms are in the entrance hall. Please make yourselves comfortable, but don’t be late for the garden party at 11am.”


Dressed in shorts and polo shirts, the suitors gather on the neat back lawn of the mansion. Each man holds a blue box, sealed with a bright red ribbon. Well-proportioned, model-attractive young men in tight bathing suits that leave little to the imagination circulate with silver trays of tall summer cocktails.

“Eighteen of the most eligible bachelors in America,” says Jane. “Competing to propose marriage to one of the most beautiful and accomplished women in the world. I’m sure you’re all eager to meet her.”

There is a general murmur of assent, punctuated by a “Hell, yeah!” from Fox.

“I’m delighted to introduce the most powerful woman who’s ever been on the show. An undisputed leader in her chosen field…”

“Last season was a lingerie model. Season before was an unlicensed massage therapist.”

Doug D. - Craft brewer / superfan.

“I want a serious career woman I can make an intellectual connection with.”

Colby E. - Lives with his mother.

“I don’t care who she is, so long as she’s hot.”

Fox. A. - Divorced three times.


Jane gestures towards the empty flight of white marble steps leading down from the patio. A figure falls from the sky like a meteorite and smashes the bottom two steps. Everyone apart from Jane ducks to avoid shrapnel

Kali has the look of an ancient Greek goddess. Her tall, muscular frame is wrapped in a flowing white robe, secured by a golden chain around her slender waist. She balances a silver tiara in her long, honey-blond hair.

“Now that’s a twist.”

Ed T. - Firefighter.

“Wrong pantheon. Kali is the Hindu goddess of destruction. Cultural appropriation aside, why is she dressed like Athena? Pretty sloppy, guys.”

Wallace B. - Pedant.

“A supervillain is not appropriate for prime-time television.”

Fergus S. - Defense lawyer.

“Welcome, suitors,” says Kali. Her voice has an old-world undertone of menace. “I hope to find one amongst you worthy of becoming my mate.”

“Bugger this,” says Fergus. He downs his drink and drops the empty glass in the grass, next to two others. “I’m out of here.” He staggers towards the landing strip. “I was promised a hottie, not a circus freak.”

Kali smiles like a cat with a fresh toy. “I think you’ll find me more than hot enough.”

Twin beams of orange fire erupt from her eyes and strike Fergus in the chest. Kali blasts through the man’s torso in a shower of carbonized flesh, blood, and fragments of bone. He hasn’t time enough to scream before he’s dead. His corpse crumples to the lush grass. The skin around the hole in his chest is burned like over-grilled chicken.

“Welcome,” says Jane, “to The Suitors: Who Wants to Marry a Villainess. The rules are a little different this time around. Elimination will be permanent.”

“No shit.”

Christoph T. - Actor

“So this is how I’m going to die. Good to know.”

Zach B. - Executive chef

“I like a challenge.”

Griffin J. - MMA Fighter

Doug stands apart from the crowd. He sips on his cocktail and takes small bites from a cucumber sandwich. He watches the other men mingle and chat.

With a sudden rush of air, Kali appears next to him. “Sticking to the periphery. You think that’s a winning strategy?”

He nods. “The others are feeling out each other’s weaknesses and forming alliances. Getting the lay of the land.”

“Seems wise,” she says. “Why aren’t you taking part?”

“Because it’s not important. You’re the only person here who matters.”

Kali blesses him with a smile. “Tell me about yourself. What makes Doug tick?”

“I’m a fan of the show: watched every season at least three times. I thought I had a foolproof strategy.”

“Then I show up and everything changes. You’re feeling a little lost.”

Doug nods. “Why are you doing this?”

Kali tilts her head, slightly. “I like a man who’s not afraid to ask questions. You’re the big fan: what’s reality television about? We both know it’s nothing to do with reality.”


“Precisely. I’m the most powerful woman in the world, and I demand to be entertained. What did you bring me?”

Doug hands her the ribbon-wrapped gift box. Inside is an old-fashioned pocket watch. “It belonged to my great-grandmother. She was a Russian pilot in World War 2. Shot down six German planes in a ramshackle fighter. She had to draw her own gun-sights on the windscreen with grease paint. She’s the hero in the family.”

“I’m surprised you’re giving away a family heirloom to a stranger.”

“If you pick me, it can stay in the family. That’s my hope.”

She laughs. “That’s a good line.”

He blushes. “Thank you.”

“I’ve to decide on one more elimination before the end of the garden party.” She gestures towards the crowd of suitors. “Who do you think I should kill?”

Doug swallows. “I couldn’t say.”

She pats him on the shoulder and the blow staggers him. “Bit of advice: when I ask you a question, give me a real answer.” She floats up a few inches and flies towards the throng of men.

“I almost shat my pants when Kali showed up. How do you talk to a woman who can literally kill you with a glance? Carefully, it turns out. I almost got myself eliminated. I can do better. I have to do better.”

Doug D. - Perfectionist.

“I’m in corporate law,” Christoph tells Kali. “Tech IPOs, mostly. There’s a lot of money sloshing around Silicon Valley start-ups when they go public. And I like money.”

Kali yawns. “Fascinating. Any companies I would have heard of?”

“Sure, sure. Miragen. Accufy. I worked on both of those.”

“Randolph, Randolph, and McIntosh handled the Miragen flotation,” says Wallace.

Christoph nods. A bead of sweat runs down his forehead. “Just made partner there. Not easy, I can tell you.”

“Yeah, but Johnson Adams did Accufy. You can’t work for both of them.”

“I consulted. Expertise like mine is always in demand.”

“You’re a liar,” says Gabe. “Accufy is my company and you didn’t do crap on our IPO.”

“I can explain.”

Kali grabs Christoph and puts him in an underarm headlock. She squeezes and twists his neck with a harsh crunch. She tosses his body over her shoulder. It lands on the patio and stains the white marble with splattered blood.

“I do not appreciate being lied to,” she says.

Gabe and Wallace avoid making eye contact with her and each other.

“Good job,” says Kali. “You’re quite the detectives.”

“I just got a man killed. He was a liar, but he didn’t deserve to die for it. I’m not okay with this.”

Gabe S. - Not okay.

“Only one of us gets out of this thing alive, and I’ll do anything to make sure it’s me.”

Wallace B. - Pragmatist.

Kali makes the rounds of the other suitors and accepts their welcome gifts. The mood of the party has lightened now the second elimination has been taken care of.

Griffin gives her one of his championship belts. He places it around her waist and pulls it tight. Kali appears to enjoy the closeness and touch of the man’s muscular body.

Ed gives her a locket on a silver chain, containing ash from the first fire he fought. He fumbles with the clasp as he tries to put it around her neck.

Freddy gives her a single red rose, but in the box it has wilted, and the petals fall to the ground when he hands it to her. Her upper lip shakes and her eyes begin to glow. Jane shakes her head and puts a warning hand on Kali’s arm before the man is disintegrated.

“Oh shit. Oh Shit. Oh shit. That was too close.”

Freddy M. - Escape artist.

Roland gives her a silver bracelet engraved with a swirling, geometric pattern. It fits perfectly on her wrist.

“This is beautiful.” She kisses him on the cheek. “I love it.”

“I’m glad.”

Fox glowers at Roland.

“Roland just painted a target on his own back. He’s going to regret it when I pull the trigger.”

Fox A. - Talks a big game.

Kali claps her hands. “Attention, suitors. I have a gift for all of you as well.”

The waiters distribute black gift boxes to the men. Inside are stainless steel devices shaped like penises.

“What is this?” asks Colby.

“I’ve given each of you a chastity cage, customized to your exact measurements. As long as you are under my roof, your cocks will remain under lock and key to ensure that you remain chaste. You are forbidden to orgasm until I say otherwise.

“Secure the cages with the padlocks.”

“Here’s a funny thing. As soon as Kali mentioned the chastity cage and how she wasn’t ever going to let them come, half the guys were suddenly as hard as flagpoles. I saw them trying to ice their erections down with their cocktails before Kali noticed.”

Jane - Host.

“Go get changed for the first group date,” says Jane. “We’ll meet on the beach in half an hour.”

2: What's it like being a supervillain?

A boxing ring has been set up on a flat stretch of white sand.

“The first group date will be a boxing tournament,” says Jane. She’s dressed in black shorts and a striped black and white tank top. Around her neck, she wears a whistle, alongside a necklace strung with padlock keys. “All sixteen of you will participate in a knockout competition. Fights will be by strict Marquis of Queensbury rules. Three rounds, result by knockout or Kali’s decision.

“The winner will be safe from elimination at tonight’s ceremony. One of you may be eliminated at the end of the date.”

The suitors are dressed in tight black briefs and boxing gloves. The curve of each man’s chastity cage bulges against the thin Lycra shorts.

Kali, in a black and white summer dress and sun hat, hovers next to the ring with her legs crossed beneath her in mid-air. She licks her lips as the first pair - Fox and Griffin - enter the ring. “Round one!”

Overconfident, it takes Griffin two rounds to get a handle on Fox’s undisciplined but energetic fighting style. Fox mocks the other man throughout the fight. Griffin gets the knockout win before the end of the third, but doesn’t appear happy with his performance.

Pairs of men fight and sweat in the harsh midday sun. Kali smiles at every punch, claps every knockout, and cheers when a fighter draws blood. When called to make a decision, she appears to take delight in passing judgment.

The final fight pits Griffin against Roland. The fighter versus the soccer player.

“I swear, I got wet thinking about those two hunks beating the shit out of each other.”

Jane - Voyeur.

Within the first thirty seconds, Roland decks Griffin with a right hook that staggers the larger man and sends him crashing to the sand. Griffin tries to get to his feet, but gives up and slumps to the ground as Jane finishes the count to ten.

Jane raises Roland’s arms over his head as the man roars in triumph. She squeezes his biceps and winks at him.

Kali alights in front of Roland and places a sash over his sweaty, sun-kissed chest. “My hero.” She kisses him on the cheek.

“The fight was a big disappointment. I’m glad Roland won. I want to do bad, bad things to that boy in the worst way.”

Jane - Hungry for cock.

“I’m a submission fighter. Boxing is not… What do I know from the Marquis of fucking Queensbury?”

Griffin - Not a boxer.

The other fifteen suitors line up along the beach. With Roland at her side, Kali examines them with a critical eye. Griffin is unsteady on his feet.

“Fifteen losers,” says Jane. “Who deserves to be eliminated?”

“I have a few candidates,” says Kali. “Maybe Michael: he doesn’t look good in shorts.”

Michael nods and laughs. “Built for comfort, not speed, my love.” He appears relieved when Kali laughs with him and moves on.

“Perhaps Colby. I felt sorry for him every time he tried throwing a punch. Freddy is a powerful trash talker, but a lousy fighter. Comes across as kind of a douche. But, none of them were the biggest disappointment.”

“The chopping block is not my comfort zone.”

Michael U. - Stand-up comedian.

“That was too damn close. Again.”

Freddy M. - Elimination Houdini.

“I don’t really understand what’s going on.”

Colby E. - Confused.

“Griffin was the real disappointment,” says Kali. “He should have cruised into the final, but he struggled to overcome Fox and Mackenzie, and when he faced Roland in the final, he went down after one punch. He has to go.”

“Kali has spoken,” says Jane. “Griffin, you have been eliminated. Please return to the ring.”

Griffin doesn’t move. Jane takes him by the hand and leads him back to the ring. Meanwhile, Kali laces on a pair of boxing gloves. She removes her sun dress to reveal black workout shorts and a sports bra. She makes a few practice punches in the air, each one raises a small sonic boom.

“I want a nice, bloody fight,” says Jane. “Goodbye, Griffin.”

Kali enters the ring. Griffin appears to have trouble focusing on her, but he approaches with his hands in a defensive pose. When Kali makes no move to attack, he strikes her in the chest with a solid right hook. His knuckles crunch against her, as if he’d punched six inches of solid steel. He doesn’t register the injury in time to prevent his follow-up punch from cracking the bones in his left hand.

Kali decks him with an uppercut that sends him flying ten feet straight up. He lands on the sand with a thud, bloody but still alive. He staggers to his feet and makes a run for the edge of the ring. Kali moves in a blur to block his retreat and smashes his jaw with a quick punch.

Griffin runs for the other side of the ring, but Kali again blocks him. She unleashes a barrage of super-fast blows against his torso. In the space of a few seconds, he is bruised and bloody. A moment before he topples over, Kali nails him in the middle of his face with a hard jab that reduces his head to a pink aerosol mist.

Kali smirks as she removes her ragged, blood-stained gloves and drops them beside Griffin’s headless corpse.

“She’s not pulling any punches.”

Gabe - Cutting wit.

“It’s not easy to watch a man being beaten to death, but I’m glad it was him and not me.”

River W. - Not dead yet.

River clings to a horse as it walks along the beach. Riding bareback, he almost falls off several times. Ahead, Kali sits high on her steed with precise poise, back straight like a conquering general.

They stop at a secluded cove, alone but for Jane, the crew, and a half-dozen flying camera drones. A wicker picnic basket sits in the middle of blue and white checked picnic blanket on the sand.

“River,” says Jane. “You are the first suitor to have been chosen for a one-on-one date with Kali. Quite an honor.”

“I think she chose me because she sensed my depth of character”

River - Deep, apparently.

“He looks bloody nice in a pair of shorts.”

Kali - Supervillainess.

“A romantic picnic,” says Jane. “Enjoy.”

Like a pin-up model in an old-fashioned red and white gingham bikini, Kali kneels on the blanket and gestures for River to sit next to her. “Don’t be nervous.”

She takes a bottle of champagne from the basket and slices it open with a swipe of her hand. Wine spurts over her bikini top and River’s tight tee-shirt.

Kali runs a greedy eye over the wet fabric that clings to his muscular torso. “Take off your shirt.”

River looks up at the sun, still high in the sky. “I’d rather not, if it’s all the same to you.”

Kali shrugs her bikini top off and lays it out to dry. “If you’re going to be my husband, you’re going to have to learn to obey my instructions. I won’t tell you again. Take off your shirt.”

River takes off his shirt. He stares at Kali’s pert breasts, pink nipples nestled atop Sangria-red aureoles.

“If you want to be my husband,” says Kali, “you’ll also have to get used to my breasts. Pour me a drink.”

River takes the champagne bottle and pours some of the remaining wine into a crystal flute. He passes it to Kali, then starts to pour another glass for himself.

“What are you doing?” she asks. “I told you to pour me a drink, not you.”

“I just thought…”

Kali rolls her eyes. “I didn’t bring you here for your thoughts. Come over here and kiss me.”

He does as he’s told and they lock lips for a few minutes. He tries to break the kiss, but Kali pulls him in closer, mashing his soft lips against her invulnerable face. She runs a finger over the crotch of his shorts, tracing the shape of his chastity cage.

“Straining at the edges a little?” she asks. “You want me to let you out?”


“No. Get used to hearing that word. Feed me.”

Kali lies with her head in his crotch as River feeds her sweet squares of Turkish delight from the picnic basket.

“What’s it like being a supervillain?” he asks.

Kali stretches her arms and legs and relishes the taste of sweet candy. “It’s the best feeling in the world. To be able to take whatever or whoever you want, with no consequences. I can have men flown around the world for me to fuck or eviscerate, because everybody’s too afraid to say ‘no’ to me. I have you feeding me candy, never knowing if I’m going to kiss you or kill you.

“It’s a lot like that.”

“It got a little weird, but I think the date went well. She split my lip when she kissed me - she’s tough as nails. She rambled on about being a supervillain for a while, I wasn’t really paying attention.”

River W. - Disobedient.

“River is a really good listener.”

Kali - Good talker.

As the sun sets over the Pacific Ocean, the suitors gather for a cocktail party in the mansion. The function room is decorated in a faux-colonial style. The men are dressed in white linen suits and bow ties. They sip their drinks amongst potted plants and bamboo furniture, and strain to find topics of conversation.

Roland corners River. “Spill. What was the date like?”

River shrugs. “It was okay. She showed me her boobs. Pretty sweet.”

“What did you talk about? What’s she into? What’s she really like?”

“I dunno. I stopped paying attention after the boobs came out. She rambled on about a bunch of stuff.”

Kali bursts into the room and the men go silent. She wears a short red dress with a plunging neckline. Several suitors surreptitiously try to adjust their caged dicks.

Kali notices. She runs her hands over the curve of her hips and strikes a pose. “This old thing? I stole it simply ages ago.”

She circulates around the party. She investigates the state of each man’s dick. The cages are secure, but Wallace displeases her. “You’re barely aroused,” she says. “Don’t you like what you see?”

“It’s not that,” says Wallace. “You’re beautiful. I’m just tense.”

“Maybe the measurements were off,” she says. “This might just be too much cage for you, little man.” She squeezes the stainless steel contraption with one super-strong hand, shrinking it until it’s only just large enough for Wallace’s semi-erect dick.

Kali leans in and whispers in his ear. As she talks, his arousal swells, but she’s left it nowhere to go.

He gasps as his member strains against its undersized prison. “Please, it’s too tight.”

“Good,” says Kali. “That’ll teach you to not be aroused around me.”

Jane enters wearing a blue copy of Kali’s dress. She claps her hands. “Gentlemen, please line up. It’s time for the first collar ceremony. One of you will be eliminated.”

Jane gives a black leather collar and leash to Kali.

“When I was on the show before, the girl gave a black rose to the suitor she was eliminating. I guess they’re doing things a little differently this time.”

Howard W. - Been on the show before and won’t shut up about it.

The suitors line up, hands behind backs. Kali walks down the line. “It’s still early in the competition. I’m not sure yet which of you deserves to be my mate, but I know one who does not.” She turns and pauses. “River, please step forward.”

River doesn’t move. On either side of him, Fox and Doug grab his arms and push him towards Kali.

She faces the man. “On your knees”

He drops to his knees like a puppet with cut strings. “Please. I thought we made a connection.”

“So did I,” says Kali. “Then I found out that you were paying more attention to my tits than my words. The only thing you have going for you is you look good without a shirt on, and you almost blew that when you disobeyed my order to take it off. And for the record: my tits are not ‘pretty sweet’, they are fucking spectacular.”

She fastens the collar tight around his neck and yanks him to his feet.

“River,” says Jane. “You’ve been collared. Kali will eliminate you in whatever way she sees fit.”

Kali pulls his leash and leads River away to her bedroom.

Followed by a posse of camera drones, Kali leads River into her private suite - a luxurious expanse of tropical hardwoods and silk. “Let’s do the sex scene.”

She binds his feet with a length of thick rope. She flies him up to the top of the cathedral ceiling and hangs him from a heavy wooden beam. She shrugs off her dress.

In spite of his predicament, at the sight of her voluptuous nakedness, River’s dick strains against the sides of his chastity cage. “Please don’t kill me.”

“There’s only one way I’ll let you live,” she says. “If you can prove yourself as my lover. If you can make me come harder than I ever have, then I’ll let you back into the competition. If you refuse to serve, disobey any instruction, or fail to please me, I will squeeze the life out of you. Understand?”

River nods. “Yes, Mistress Kali.”

Kali smiles and licks her lips in anticipation. “Good start, boy.” She lowers herself onto River’s upside-down face, pressing her naked pussy hard against his mouth. “Eat me out.”

River begins oral service with an energy and urgency born of mortal terror. Ten minutes later, Kali has a subdued orgasm.

“You can do better than that,” she says. “Perhaps you need a little more motivation.”

River’s erection has subsided. Kali runs the tip of her tongue between the steel loops of his chastity cage until he is once against straining against the unyielding metal. Her eyes glow light orange - she fires a small beam of heat vision at the cage. The metal becomes red hot.

River screams as his dick burns. Kali cools it off with a gentle whoosh of freezing super-breath.

“Do better,” says Kali. “Or I’ll grill your dick like a sausage.”

River resumes eating her out, with more precision, but just as much fear. His cheeks and jaw are bruised from the pressure of Kali’s super-strong thighs around his face. Blood streams from his tongue, which is scraped raw against her nigh-invulnerable clitoris and vagina.

Kali comes again, louder and far more energetically than the first time. She laughs as River’s jaw cracks between her legs. “Keep going.”

River hesitates - his jaw is broken. Kali encourages him with another burst of heat vision on his chastity cage. He screams into her pussy, which pushes her over the edge into a third orgasm. Mid-climax, her thighs scissor together and crush his head like an overripe melon.

Kali sighs in satisfaction and floats away from River’s dangling, headless corpse. Blood streams down and pools on the hardwood floor. “Maybe I should have fucked him first. They can survive a broken pelvis and still eat me out, but a head-crush always brings things to a close.”

She burns the ropes holding River’s corpse. It crumples to the floor. She puts on a bath robe and pulls a chain by the side of her four-poster bed. A bell chimes in a far-off room in the mansion. “The servants will clean this up while I take a shower.”

3: Pure evil, but hot as balls

The fourteen surviving suitors gather in the dining room for breakfast. They have a sluggish, sleep-deprived look about them. They eat and drink coffee without joy as camera drones buzz around them.

“I don’t want to imagine what she did to him,” says Doug.

“I saw the body,” says Freddy. “I don’t have to imagine it.”

“I heard screams,” says Wallace.

Ed stuffs a mini muffin into his mouth. “Most of that was her, I think.”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” says Wallace.

“He can’t talk to me like that. He’s not my dad.”

Ed T. - Born in a barn.

“The kid’s disgusting.

Wallace B. - Not Ed’s Dad.

Howard downs a mug of coffee. “Nobody died when I was on the show before.”

“Not true,” says Doug. “William died in season eight.”

“That was an accident. He wasn’t fucked to death by a super-powered sociopath.”

“You two think you’re experts,” says Zach. “What happens next?”

Doug shrugs. “Basic rules are the same. We go on a mixture of one-on-one and group dates. Impress her on a group date and you get immunity from elimination for the day. Some suitors are eliminated after dates, others during the ceremony.”

“The rules aren’t the same,” says Ed. “She put my dick in a cage. That’s messed up. And, if you haven’t noticed, she’s killing people.”

“Window dressing,” says Doug. “The goal is the same. You want to win, you have to make her fall for you.”

Jane enters, elegant in a pinstriped gray pantsuit. “Succinctly put. To that end, finish your breakfast and get changed for for next group date. On the cliff, in half an hour.”


The suitors, dressed in tight Lycra workout shorts, gather on the bluff. On one side is a hundred-foot drop onto jagged, surf-licked rocks. A producer drops a watermelon to demonstrate the violent consequence of going over the edge.

Each man holds a large red ball.

Jane addresses them. “Today’s group date will be a not-so-friendly game of dodgeball. The rules are simple: you get hit, you’re out; your ball is caught, you’re out; you fall off the cliff and splatter against the rocks, you’re dead. The teams will be as follows: all of you against Kali.”

“One chick against fourteen guys? I don’t care how super she says she is. That bitch is going down.

Ed T. - Not afraid to use the ‘B’ word

“Cards on the table, I think she’s going to beat the shit out of us.”

Mackenzie R - Astute

Dressed in a pair of tight, olive green shorts and a black cropped top, Kali tosses a ball from one hand to the other. She waits for the men to make the first move.

Roland takes a shot: a powerful overarm lob that would hit her in the face, except that she back-somersaults out of the line of fire. The ball passes beneath her upside-down head. She twists in mid-air and returns fire. She nails Wallace in the knee - his leg buckles under the impact and he goes down. Kali moves like a blur to catch the ball on the ricochet.

She hammers Michael with a shot that hits the hefty man in the chest and sends him flying towards the cliff. He lands just short of the edge and stares down at the rocks, his face a mask of terror. Meanwhile, Kali catches the ball on the rebound and hits Gabe in the face. Blood spills from Gabe’s broken nose.

The remaining eleven men throw their balls at her in unison, in a fusillade of red rubber projectiles. Kali twists and dodges, evading each and every ball as if they were moving in slow-motion.

She catches the last ball. “Ed. That was yours. You’re out.”

“I lost track, but I’m happy she caught my ball. After seeing how she messed up Wallace and Gabe, there’s no way I wanted to get hit.”

Ed T. - Big baby.

The men scatter and run to recover their balls. Kali picks them off with ease. She makes every shot, always recovers her ball on the rebound, and never breaks a sweat.

Roland, who threw first, is the last man standing in the game. Kali swoops in and launches her ball at him like a guided missile. The red sphere smashes him in the chest and sends him tumbling over the edge of the cliff. He plummets towards the rocks, but Kali snatches him by the ankles a moment before he hits. She flies him back up to the top of the cliff and rolls him at Jane’s feet.

“This is not an elimination date,” says Jane.

“Holy. Fucking. Shit balls.”

Roland C. - Not dashed against the rocks.

“Damn it. I was so happy when I saw Roland go over the cliff. I’m pissed Kali decided to save him.”

Fox A. - Looking out for number one.

“Roland is the biggest threat right now. I have to find a way to get him out of the game before he gets me killed.”

Wallace B. - Cynical pessimist.

Jane and Kali look over the battered collection of men as they tend to their wounds.

“Who impressed you this morning?” Jane asks.

“Roland wasn’t afraid to take the first shot, and he didn’t throw up after his near-death plunge over the cliff. Shows character.”

Jane smiles at Roland. “For the second day in a row, you’re safe from elimination at the collaring ceremony.”

As the men make their way back to the mansion, Wallace limps and grimaces with every step. Kali floats alongside. “You’re wounded.”

“Twisted my ankle,” he says. “It’s nothing.”

“Hmm.” She grabs him by the ankle of his bad leg and dangles him in front of her as she examines him with X-Ray vision. “Your kneecap is dislocated.”

“No, it’s fine.”

“Don’t contradict me.” She tosses him a hundred feet into the air and disintegrates him to a puff of ash with an intense burst of heat vision. Wallace’s powdery remains scatter on the warm tropical winds.

“You weren’t supposed to eliminate anyone,” says Jane.

Kali shrugs. “He was lame and had to be put down.”

Jane scowls.


Kali and Howard are alone on the back porch of the mansion. She wears a thin white summer dress and has blue flowers braided into her blond hair. Howard is in a lightweight tropical suit.

Jane approaches from the lawn. “Howard, you have been chosen for a lunch date with Kali.”

Howard’s expression is confused. “I was afraid you hadn’t noticed me in the crowd.”

“I want to get to know you better,” says Kali.

“I’m looking forward to it.”

“For your date,” says Jane. “You will share a tropical feast on Mount Lakai - one of the most stunning locations on the island.”

“Isn’t it an active volcano?” asks Howard.

“It sure is.” Kali grabs his waist and leaps into the air. She flies them in a parabolic arc towards the smoking cone that dominates the eastern half of the island.

She floats them down towards a make-shift dining room - a long table and two chairs suspended by thick ropes above a pit of red and black lava. The ropes hold fast for now, but they are singed around the edges.

Kali straps Howard into one of the chairs and secures him with a leather belt. “Don’t want you falling into the lava, do we?”

The table is piled high with a feast of fresh fruit and seafood, accompanied by wooden goblets of coconut water. Sulfurous gases catch in Howard’s throat and irritate his eyes. He takes long swigs of coconut water and rubs his reddened eyes, which only makes things worse. His suit is stained with sweat after only a couple of minutes.

In contrast, Kali is comfortable in the extreme heat and sulfurous atmosphere. “You’ve been on the show before?”

Howard coughs and nods. “I was runner-up twice. I didn’t win, but nobody got murdered.”

“Where’s the fun in that?”

“It’s an acquired taste,” says Howard.

Kali laughs. “You’re funny. You’re here because I want to pick your brain before it’s too late.”

Howard chokes on his coconut water. “Too late?” he asks, when his coughing dies down.

“Yeah. Don’t take this the wrong way. Or do - I don’t care. You’re not my type and I don’t see you going very far in this competition.”

Howard drops his goblet into the lava pit. “Please, don’t kill me.”

Kali’s smile is tighter than the gap between life and death. “I like it when men beg, but it won’t save your life.”

“I’ll do anything,” says Howard. “I can serve you well. I’ll be whatever you need.”

“You’ll never be what I want. Do you know why you’re always runner-up and not the winner? Because you’re a joke. The women on the other seasons kept your around for as long as they did because you’re entertaining, but in the end, they chose a real man instead of a clown.”

“You’re evil.”

“True story. If you want to live past this date, you’ll dish on your fellow suitors. Who’s the snake? Who’s the coward? Who’s genuine and who’s not?”

Howard sighs. “I don’t know. Ed thinks you’re a bitch. The others probably agree, but they’re smart enough not to say it aloud. Doug thinks he knows more about what’s going on than he does. Mackenzie is a nasty piece of work - you’d know that if you’d ever heard his radio show. Um…”

“Ugh,” says Kali. “Hearing about other people is so boring. Let’s make out.”

She hovers next to Howard. With a sustained wave of heat vision, she burns away his clothes, leaving him naked but for his chastity cage. She releases him from the chair and embraces him. They kiss for a minute. Blood streams down his jaw as her super-strong tongue ravages the inside of his mouth.

Kali lets them fall towards the lava, still entwined. She continues to kiss Howard as he struggles fruitlessly against her. He screams as his legs are engulfed and consumed. Kali enjoys the searing magma as if it were a hot tub. She kisses him until there’s nothing left but his flaming skull, then rises from the pit. Her dress has burned away, leaving her naked and glowing red-hot.

“You forget how invigorating a lava bath can be when you haven’t done it for a while. I really need to learn to take time for myself to relax. I’m grateful to Howard for reminding me of that.”

Kali - Invulnerable.

Ed confronts Roland in the billiards room. “You’re such an asshole. You’re making the rest of us look bad.”

Roland shakes his head. “You’re doing that all by yourself. We’re not in this together - most of us are going to die. I’m trying to win, because that’s the only way to live. You should be doing the same, instead of whining.”

“Win what? The prize is that you get to be Kali’s husband. That bitch is pure evil. What the hell do you think it’d be like to be married to that?”

Roland shrugs. “She might be pure evil, but she’s hot as balls. You’re going to leave this show in a body bag, if you’re lucky. I’m going to walk out of here with the most beautiful woman in the world on my arm.”

“Fuck you. You’re such a kiss-ass. She isn’t even even here.”

Kali and Jane enter.

“She does have super-hearing, though,” says Jane.

“I don’t like being called a bitch,” says Kali. She kisses Roland on the cheek. “Thank you for standing up for me. And for saying I’m beautiful. You’re a real gentleman.”

Jane has an amused expression. From behind Kali, she makes eye contact with Roland and winks.

Kali turns to Ed. “You’re a dead man.”

Ed falls to his knees. “I’m sorry I insulted you. Please give me another chance.”

“Why should I?”

Ed struggles to find his words.

“How am I supposed to be with a man who can’t even come up with a single reason not to kill him? I can’t respect a man like that.” She puts a hand on each shoulder and tears his torso in two. The bloody halves of man flop to the floor at the center of an expanding pool of blood.

“Find someone to tidy this up,” says Kali to Jane. “Come with me, Roland. Let’s talk.”

Jane watches them leave with a sour look. She dials a number on her smartphone. “Cleanup in the billiards room.”


The suitors gather for the evening cocktail party. They hold their drinks tighter than the night before and down them quickly. They engage in hushed conversations, as far from the ever-present camera drones as possible.

Kali enters, stunning in a strapless silver cocktail dress and black stockings. “Hello, boys.”

Jane claps once. “Gentlemen, it’s time for the collar ceremony. One of you will be eliminated.”

The men form their line-up of the damned.

“You may have noticed that Ed isn’t here,” says Kali. “That’s because he called me a bitch. I don’t like that word and I won’t stand for people using it. Ed’s dead and the rest of you should learn from his example.”

She strolls down the line of men. The leash and collar she holds are specked with dried blood. She stops before Freddy. “I want to eliminate you, but I don’t have a compelling reason. Perhaps I’ll kill you tomorrow, but you live for now.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you? I am such an idiot. No wonder she wants to kill me.

Freddy M. - Still not eliminated.

Kali stops again before Michael. “Call me shallow if you want, but I can’t see myself with a slob like you. Step forward.”

Michael staggers towards her and falls to his knees. “Please. You’re making a mistake.”

The other men breathe sighs of relief as she collars the burly comedian and leads him away.

“I’m not much to look at, but get me in the bedroom and I will blow her fucking mind. I’m that good.”

Michael U. - Thinks he’s ‘all that’ in bed.

Kali’s suite has been scrubbed clean of all trace of River’s demise. She tears Michael’s tuxedo off as if it were made of tissue paper. She examines his chastity cage and notes with approval that he is hard for her, in spite of his predicament.

“I’m going to prove myself,” he says.

“We’ll see.”

She shimmies out of her dress. He quivers with arousal and anticipation as he takes in the sight of her curvaceous body and neatly-trimmed pussy. She ties his wrists and ankles to the posts of her bed with thick rope.

She starts to lower herself onto his caged dick.

“Aren’t you going to take the cage off?” he asks.

She tears the steel cage from his penis with her bare hands and tosses the ruined metal over one shoulder. Freed from its prison, his dick springs to attention. Kali reaches into her bedside table and takes out a second cage, this one designed to go over an erect penis. She snaps it onto Michael.

“Much better,” she says.

“What are you doing?”

“I know how hard you are,” she says, “and I know how hard stainless steel is. There’s no competition.”

She lowers herself onto the metal contraption around his dick. “Also, this way, there’s no risk of you ruining things by having an orgasm.”

Kali fucks Michael like a jackhammer. Her hips are a blur as she pounds against him with enough force to break every bone in his pelvis. She muffles his screams by shoving a fist into his mouth. He bites down on her hand and loses several teeth.

She comes so hard, she doesn’t notice when she pushes her fist further into his mouth and through the top of his skull.

“That sucked,” says Kali.

4: I'm not here to make friends

Draped in a thin silk robe that reveals more than it conceals, Kali floats through the corridors of the mansion. She stops outside Roland’s door and raises her hand to knock, but pulls back at the last moment. She sighs and floats away.

“I squeezed an orgasm out of Michael - or out of his cage, I should say - and it left me unsatisfied. I want to go to Roland and fuck him more than anything, but I don’t want to disturb him. What’s that about? It’s like I’m concerned about someone other than myself. It’s a weird feeling - maybe I’m falling for the guy. He’s good-looking and he stood up for me with Ed. I know it’s still early, but I think he may be the one.”

Kali - Falling in love, perhaps.

Behind the door, Roland is cuffed to his bed. A naked Jane kneels on his chest with the key to his chastity cage dangling between her breasts on a silver chain. She teases his caged cock with strokes of her well-lubricated fingernails - it strains hard against its metal prison.

“Please. You’ve been teasing me for an hour.”

“Fifteen minutes,” says Jane.

“Whatever. Just let me out of the cage and fuck me. Please.”

Jane smiles like a predator moving in for the final blow. “What if Kali finds out? Aren’t you afraid of her?”

Roland shakes his head. “I don’t care. I need to be inside you.”

“You certainly know how to sweet-talk a girl.”

She unlocks his cage and places it on his bedside table. His newly-freed dick springs to attention. She straddles him with a graceful, yet forceful, motion.

Roland gasps. “What are you doing?”

“Squeezing your dick with my pussy. You don’t come until I’ve had my fill.”

Roland thrashes in frustration as Jane rides him. His long-denied orgasm cannot get past whatever she’s doing to his cock. She grinds against him with a circular, in-and-out motion. When she comes, she doesn’t make a sound, but her entire body quivers with barely-controlled energy. Still, she keeps her vaginal grip on Roland tight enough that he doesn’t come.

“How you doing down there?” she asks.

“Please, will you let me come?”

“Not yet.” She swivels around to take him via the reverse-cowgirl position. She grinds out another silent orgasm, more intense than the one before.

Roland cries with frustration.

“Be quiet,” says Jane. “If Kali hears you, you’re dead.”

“She’ll kill us both.”

Jane doesn’t respond. She pulls herself off his penis and examines it closely. It’s purple and twitches along with his micro-gasps and moans. “Fascinating.”

“Are you going to let me come?”

“You’re like a broken record.” She lowers her ass onto his face and covers his mouth with her dripping wet pussy. “First, you eat.”

Roland does as he’s been told. As he takes her through another orgasm with his tongue, she teases his cock with her fingers, taking care to keep him on the right side of his hard edge. He writhes in frustration and pumps his pelvis, trying to come from the flow of air over his cock, to no avail.

Still silent when she comes, Jane’s ass pounds against Roland’s face with frightening ferocity. After one more orgasm, she rolls away and lies next to him, panting. “That was pretty good.”

“Can I come?”

“Sure.” She moistens a finger in her pussy and touches the end of his dick. She circles around the tip for a few seconds. At the last possible moment, she takes her finger away and watches as semen dribbles from the end of his penis in a slow stream.

“What the hell was that?” he asks.

“Ruined orgasm. More than you deserve, to be honest.”

“That was worse than no orgasm at all.”

Jane tilts her head. “You think so? Let’s try again.” She uses the emissions from his first ruined orgasm to lubricate the motion of her finger over the tip of his penis as she brings him to a second one. Her judgment on when to cease stimulation is precise - again, he dribbles semen across his crotch and thighs, but gets no pleasure from his release.

“Stop playing with me.”

“Why should I? You’re such a nice little toy.” She lets him cool down for a couple of minutes and then coaxes another ruined orgasm from his tired member. “I could do this all night. Maybe I should.”

After giving Roland half a dozen pleasure-free orgasms, Jane gets off the bed and starts to gather her scattered clothes.

“Is that it?” asks Roland.

Jane nods. “Ruined is the only kind of orgasm I do.” She gets dressed and makes to leave.

“Aren’t you going to uncuff me?”

Jane shakes her head.

“Kali will kill me. You can’t let her find me like this.” His face is coated with Jane’s drying juices. His thighs are covered with semen.

“You know what? She probably will. Sleep tight.”

She gives him a wave before she shuts the door behind her.


Nine of the surviving suitors pick at pastries and sip coffee in the mansion’s dining room. They are no better rested than the morning before.

Jane enters with a broad smile and chipped nail polish. She has on the same clothes as the day before. “Good morning suitors. You have half an hour to prepare for the group date. Swimsuits will be required today.”

“Where’s Roland?” asks Gabe. “Did Kali do anything to him?”

Jane shrugs. Her smile grows broader still. “He’s in his room.”

“I’ll go check on him,” says Gabe.

“Roland was a satisfactory lover. I can see why Kali is interested in him. I wonder if she’ll still want him now that I’ve gotten to him first.”

Jane - Cocktease.

Gabe knocks on Roland’s door. “You in there?”

Roland’s voice is cracked and faint. “Who is it?”

“Gabe. What’s going on?”

“Shit. Come in.”

Roland is still cuffed to the bed and covered with the evidence of his tryst with Jane. “Please get me out of this.”

“You fucked Jane?”

“She fucked me and then left me like this. You have to help.”

Gabe shakes his head. “Why should I? If Kali finds you like this, she’ll kill the shit out of you and there’ll be one less of you pricks I need to worry about.”

“We can work together,” says Roland. “Form an alliance until we’re in the final two.”

“What the hell good will that do me?”

“Kali likes me. I can talk you up and help sabotage the others. You’ll have an advantage at the end, because you can tell Kali about this.”

Gabe finds the keys to Roland’s cuffs on the bedside table, next to his chastity cage. He unlocks Roland. “If you screw me over, you won’t live long enough to regret it. Go take a shower - you stink like a whorehouse.”

Roland picks up his chastity cage. “Where’s the padlock? Kali will notice if my cage isn’t locked.”

“Good luck figuring that out. I’ll see you at the group date, partner.”

“I’ll give this alliance a day and if it’s not working out, I’ll throw Roland under the bus. I’m not here to make friends.”

Gabe S. - Couldn’t make a friend if he tried.

“I need to figure out a way to get rid of Gabe before he tells Kali what I did.”

Roland C. - Fucked by Jane, figuratively and literally.

The next group date is at a picturesque cove on the other side of the island. Jane has taken the opportunity to change, but she can’t keep herself from smiling. Kali looks at her, askance.

“Welcome suitors. For this date, you are going to help Kali with the photo-shoot for her new calendar. As you know, Kali has legions of devoted fans who look forward to her swimsuit calendar every year.”

“Superwoman fetishists are the worst. If they ever met Kali in person, they’d piss themselves.”

Gabe S. - Disapproving.

“At first, I was excited about this date. I’m a graphic designer, and I have a lot of photography experience. Out of everyone here, I’m sure I can take the best pictures. But then, they told us what we were really going to be doing…”

Thad H. - Disappointed.

“You won’t be taking the photographs, of course. We have a professional for that. You’ll pretend to be Kali’s victims. One of you will not have to pretend - this is an elimination date.”

January: Kali wears a bright orange bikini. She straddles Roland, facing the camera to give a deep view of her lush breasts and the cleavage between. Her hand is raised in a fist, aimed at Roland’s face.

February: She wears a makeshift bikini made from loops of red ribbon. She lies on her side with her legs scissored around Mackenzie’s neck, as if about to snip his head off with a single squeeze.

March: Kali is topless in a pair of green briefs. She crosses her arms in front of her breasts, pushing them together. She kneels on Gabe’s face, suffocating him beneath her pussy.

April: She poses in a hot pink, Brazilian-cut one-piece swimsuit. Her ass is the focus of the shot, but she’s turned back to ensure a good view of her side-boob. Her smile is broad and sunny. Doug dangles at the end of her arm, with her hand around his throat.

“Turns out I have a thing for erotic asphyxiation. I was so turned on during the photo-shoot, my dick was hard as a rock. It was almost vibrating inside the cage. I’m surprised I didn’t come there and then.”

Doug D. - Still learning, every day.

May: The sharp points of Kali’s nipples glitter, pressed against the slick material of a metallic bikini. She poses on her knees in the surf, with Fievel trapped beneath her. She is unsatisfied with the pose and instructs the photographer to take more pictures, even as the tide comes in and Fievel gasps for air and flails his arms and legs. Only when he has breathed his last is Kali willing to move on to the next shoot.

“It’s hard to make a drowning shot realistic without actually drowning the victim. I hope Fievel died with the appreciation that he contributed to a very sexy picture.”

Kali - Perfectionist.

June: Kali wears in a patriotic red, white, and blue swimsuit. Her golden skin glistens with droplets of water from a dip in the ocean and her swimsuit is translucent in places. She hovers in mid-air, holding Thad by the ankle.

July: Kali poses on her front in a slick black one-piece swimsuit. She presses down on Freddy, burying his head in the sand beneath her impossibly firm and invulnerable breasts.

“I thought she was going to smother me to death in the sand. I guess I’m lucky she killed Fievel already.”

Freddy M. - Lucky (again).

August: Kali wears a lacy white two-piece that suggests a bucolic shepherdess. She holds Fievel’s body by the shoulder with one hand, and punches through the dead man’s chest with the other. The final shot captures a fountaining spray of blood and gore exploding from Fievel’s back.

“I wanted a fresh kill for this shot, but Jane wouldn’t shut up about running out of suitors. Like it would have killed her to let me eviscerate Freddy. Punching the heart out of a guy who’s already dead just feels pointless.”

Kali - Heart-breaker.

September: Kali wears a pair of jean shorts over a blue and white-striped one-piece swimsuit. She hovers in mid-air, posed like a ballerina. Zach kneels before her in supplication. She grazes the top of his head with head vision, burning a channel through and setting fire to his hair.

October: In a SCUBA-inspired neoprene bikini, Kali flies from left to right with Colby hogtied and suspended from a rope beneath her.

November: Her blue and black bikini is so slight that the top barely covers her nipples. She pulls Fox between her breasts, smashing his nose against her cleavage. Blood streams down her flat stomach towards her navel. It looks like she’s crushing the man’s head between her breasts, but he escapes with no more than a broken nose.

“The photo-shoot for December will be the subject of the next one-on-one date,” says Jane. “Kali - who do you want to take on this date, and who should receive immunity after this group date?”

Kali ponders for a few seconds. “The only one who really committed to the work was Fievel, and he’s dead. So there will be no immunity this time around. For the one-on-one date, I’d like to give Thad a chance to impress me. Since he has experience as a photographer.”

“Finally, it’s my time to shine!”

Thad H. - Excited

Above a reef off the coast of the island, the crew set Thad up with an underwater camera rig and a SCUBA mask. Before he goes over the edge, Kali strips off his shorts and Jane unlocks his chastity cage. He and Kali cannonball into the warm tropical water.

The reef teems with life. Schools of curious fish dart around and between the pair. Submarine camera drones float around them. In a sporty, two-piece swimsuit, Kali has no need of SCUBA gear to stay underwater for as long as she likes.

Thad communicates poses to Kali through gesture. He mimes her leaning forward and squeezing her breasts together. She looks at him askance, but assumes the position. Thad takes several shots.

After ten minutes of shooting in various poses, Kali looks bored. She unzips her top and lets it float away on the current. She raises an eyebrow at Thad and he is soon fully erect.

After another few minutes. Thad signals that he has to return to the surface, but Kali shakes her head. He gestures at his tank - the gauge shows it’s nearly empty. Again, Kali shakes her head. Thad kicks out for the surface, regardless, but Kali dashes through the water like a supersonic torpedo and pulls him back down.

Kali points to her face and naked breasts - Thad takes a few, hurried shots. Kali grabs the camera and scrolls through the last few pictures. She shakes her head and hands the camera back. He takes more shots, but they do not meet with her approval, either.

Thad’s oxygen tank is empty and he is in distress. In spite of his impending asphyxiation, he is still hard for Kali. She slides her bikini bottoms off and wraps her legs around him. She takes him deep inside, grabs his hips, and shoves him in and out of her like a sex toy.

In desperation, Thad gestures at his oxygen tank. Kali smashes his mask and throws away his SCUBA gear. He tries to push her away, to no avail. Kali pulls him in for a kiss. As she forces his mouth open, he thrashes as water fills his lungs. Kali orgasms hard as the last of Thad’s life slips away. Waves kicked up by her climax crash against the shoreline.

Kali releases Thad’s corpse and lets it float across the reef and out to sea.

“That was a really fun date and we got some great pictures. I’m pleased with how that went. It just goes to show that you can have a good time, even with a dull dud like Thad. You just need to use your imagination.”

Kali - ‘Glass half-full’ kind of a girl.

The suitors gather for the evening cocktail party. There are only eight of them left and they have a haunted, hungry look about them. Jane is resplendent in a short, red minidress. She touches Roland on the shoulder when they talk.

Kali enters. Her dress is identical to the one Jane wears. The two women glare at each other.

“Kali,” says Jane. “You look lovely. Don’t let anyone tell you red isn’t your color.”


“Have you decided on the next elimination?”

Kali frowns. “I just made a disturbing discovery. My super sense of smell picked up the unmistakable scent of male ejaculate. I made it very clear that none of you were to orgasm under my roof and I want to know which of you disobeyed me.”

Roland blushes. Kali sees the reaction. She tears his pants off with a lazy tug of the wrist and examines his chastity cage.

“Where’s the padlock?”

“I don’t know,” says Roland. “Jane took it.”

“Did you fuck him?” Kali asks Jane.

Jane shrugs. “Yeah, but I didn’t let him come. Not really, just ruined ones.”

Kali removes Roland’s chastity cage and runs her fingers up and down his cock. He reacts to her touch, but slowly. “He’s had a full orgasm. I can tell.”

“Well I didn’t give it to him,” says Jane. “Roland, did you give yourself a little treat after I left your cage unlocked? That’s very naughty of you.”

“I couldn’t help it,” says Roland. “Jane seduced me, teased me for hours, and then left me tied up. I was desperate to come.”

“Being desperate to come is the state all men should aspire to,” says Kali. “Especially around me. That doesn’t mean you get to have an orgasm. Not ever!”

“Damn it, Jane. I liked him.” She grabs Roland by the neck and tosses him at Jane’s feet. “You can have him for one more night, but he’d better not be alive in the morning.”

Jane shrugs. “Sounds good to me.” She grabs Roland’s wrist and leads the man away. “Don’t struggle and I’ll go easy on you.”

Kali waves the collar and leash at the remaining seven men. “I’m still going to eliminate one of you.”

“That’s not fair,” says Gabe. “Roland’s the one who disobeyed your instructions.”

“Fair has nothing to do with it. The only thing that matters in this house is what I want. What I decide. What I command! Roland said that Jane left him tied up, which means that one of you maggots untied him. One of you knew about this and didn’t tell me. That is a betrayal and I want to know who the guilty party is. Freddy, was it you? You look guilty to me.”

“No,” says Freddy. “I swear. Gabe’s the one who went to check on Roland this morning.”

“Freddy threw me right under the fucking bus. I’m a dead man.”

Gabe S. - Not wrong.

Kali puts the collar around Gabe’s neck. “You’ve been collared. Come with me.”


Kali doubles Gabe over the foot of her bed. “Have you ever been fucked up the asshole?”

He shakes his head.

“Thought not. This looks like virgin territory. There’s nothing quite like breaking in a new rectum, you know.”

“What are you going to do to me?”

“Wait and see.” Kali disappears into her walk-in closet and re-appears after a few minutes with a massive, stainless steel double-dildo. She throws it onto the bed in front of Gabe. “What do you think?”

“That can’t possibly go inside me.” The device is an inch and a half in diameter. The total length is twenty inches, although only half of that is designed to go inside him.

Kali leans over him. “Sweetie, I’m strong enough to bench-press an aircraft carrier. There’s nothing I can’t push inside you. Maybe this one’s a little too tame.”

She returns to her closet and comes back with a two and a half-inch diameter strap-on. The shaft is decorated with wide, quarter-inch spikes. “This one’s better.”

“Please,” he says. “Have mercy on me.”

“Beg a little more,” she says. “I like it when they beg.”

Without the benefit of lube, she rams the metal cylinder into Gabe’s asshole. Her super-strength overcomes the resistance of his rectum as if she were pushing a hot knife into cheap ice-cream. He screams.

Kali impales herself on the other side of the device, sliding it into her wet pussy with ease. She moans with satisfaction as she secures the thick leather belt around her waist. She doesn’t hold back. Her pelvis slams into him with the force of a freight train, crushing his bones and pulverizing his backside into hamburger.

She fucks him for hours, grinding out one orgasm after another from his ravaged asshole. Whenever he starts to lose consciousness, Kali slaps him awake. Whenever he stops screaming, she redoubles the ferocity of her attack until he starts again.

“That’s it, baby. Scream your guts out for me.”

Their cries - hers of pleasure and his of pain - mingle and echo along the corridors of the mansion.


Jane and Roland face each other, sitting cross-legged on his bed. The background of their conversation is the distant screams of Kali and Gabe.

“We could run,” says Roland.

Jane frowns. “Why would we do that?”

“Kali’s going to kill both of us if we stay here. While she’s doing whatever the hell it is that’s making Gabe scream like that, we could take the Gulfstream. Fly to the mainland and get lost.”

“Yeah, that wouldn’t do you much good. Kali can fly ten times as fast as that jet without even breaking a sweat. Besides, I’m not going to let you run. It wouldn’t be good for the show.”

“She’s going to kill you!”

“No she won’t. She’ll just be mad at me for a while and then we’ll hug and make up. You know how sisters can be.”

“Kali is your sister?”

“Half-sister, but neither of our dads were around much. Look, this is your last night alive on Earth. Would you rather spend it making love to a beautiful woman, or worrying about death?”

Tears stream down his cheeks. “I don’t want to die.”

“Of course not, but that’s not an option.”

“Screw you. Did you know this would happen when you fucked me?”

Jane shrugs. “Sure.”

“You’re as bad as she is.”

Her smile is as thin and as sharp as a paper cut. “I’m so much worse.”

Tendrils of blue energy emerge from her fingertips. They wrap around his wrists and pull back, securing him to the headboard. Jane flips backwards and floats above the bed. She binds his ankles to the foot of the bed. He struggles to prevent being spreadeagled, but he’s helpless against her powers.

She disrobes slowly and seductively, taking pleasure as Roland’s dick swells in response to her striptease. “This isn’t so bad, is it?”

“Please let me go.”

“No.” Jane leans in over Roland’s erect penis and fires a thin beam of energy into his urethra. He screams as she forces a tendril of light down and entangles the insides of his dick and balls. “I’m cutting off your avenues to pleasure. I want you to last all night and I don’t care if you have a good time.”

She lowers herself onto his face and smothers his mouth with her wet pussy. “Eat me out,” she commands.

He shakes his head.

With a flick of her wrist, Jane casts a tight net of energy around his testicles and begins to squeeze it tight. He screams hard and writhes against her. “That’s a good start, but I told you to eat.”

He does as he’s told and services her with his tongue. She eases the pressure on his balls ever-so-slightly.

“Last night was all about the tease,” she says. “Tonight I’m going to focus on causing you pain. How much and how often is up to you. Obey my instructions and please me, and I’ll keep it just on the wrong side of manageable. Disobey or disappoint and I’ll take you to the frontiers of agony you couldn’t possibly imagine.”

She comes quickly, but doesn’t go anywhere - his oral worship is not done. She waves her hand and the net around his balls tightens again.

“Every minute I’m not having an orgasm, I’m going to squeeze the net a little tighter. I suggest you work fast.”

She squirms and moans as she rides his tongue to multiple orgasms. “This is going to be a good night. I can just tell.”

5: Close but no cigar

“And then there were six,” says Doug.

The final six are gathered in the kitchen for breakfast. They have the haggard look of men who haven’t slept well in days.

“Poor bastards,” says Freddy.

“Who do you think got it worst?” asks Fox.

“Judging by the screams, I think it was a tie,” says Doug.

“I don’t understand,” says Colby. “Why are they doing this to us? What did we do wrong?”

“We didn’t do anything wrong,” says Mackenzie. “We just got unlucky.”

Doug snorts. “The award for hypocrite of the year goes to Mack Radcliffe.”

Mackenzie gets up close to Doug. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Your entire career has been built on victim-blaming,” says Doug. “Every bad thing that happens - especially to women or ethnic minorities - is their fault. Your show is just a litany of blame and hate.”

“I should have pegged you as a bleeding heart,” says Mackenzie. “Craft beer is for fags.”

Zach pulls the two men apart. “Cool it. Kali’s going to make all of our hearts bleed - literally - if we don’t figure a way out of this.”

Jane enters, laughing. “Good luck with the escape plan, losers.”

“Screw you,” says Fox.

“It would be the last thing you did. Ask Roland. Oh wait, I killed him.”

Fox lunges at her. She fires an intense burst of blue energy that slams the man against the kitchen island.

“You have powers,” says Doug.

“What tipped you off, genius?” asks Mackenzie.

“Don’t fight each other boys, you have to get ready for your next group date. We’re going on a field trip.”

“What if we don’t?” asks Freddy. “What if we refuse to cooperate with your atrocities?”

Jane shrugs. “My sister will kill all of you.”

“Sister?” says Doug. “I should have guessed. That much evil has to run in the family.”

“If you cooperate,” says Jane, “one of you will live. You are guaranteed a one in six chance of survival.”

“Then what?” asks Fox. “The winner gets to marry a supervillain. Isn’t that a fate worse than death?”

“If you resist your fate, I can guarantee Kali will make your deaths slower and more painful than you can possibly imagine. Do as you’re told and you’ll die relatively quickly. If you’re unlucky, she might even ask me to do it, and you do not want to go through what Roland did last night. Believe me.”

“We just have to make the best of a bad situation.”

Colby E. - Pragmatist.

“There’s a way out of this. There has to be. She’s just one woman.”

Mackenzie R. - Delusional.

The men file back onto the Gulfstream jet that brought them to the island. Colby looks back at the mansion with a wistful expression on his face.

“Eighteen of us arrived, but only six of us are left alive. It really makes you think about… mortality and stuff. You know, when a bunch of people die.”

Zach B. - Philosophical.

“The room was really nice.”

Colby E. - Not philosophical.

The suitors are flown to the mainland and taken to a restaurant nestled discreetly in a small town surrounded by vineyards. The decor is understated, the comfortable atmosphere at odds with the stratospheric prices. The linens are stained red with the blood of the staff and customers unlucky enough to have been present when Kali commandeered the establishment.

“Suitors,” says Jane. “This is one of the most highly-awarded restaurants in the country. The kitchen is lavishly stocked and peerlessly equipped. You have free reign to create a six-course meal for Kali and a few of her closest friends. You will each create a dish. Whoever makes the best food will be safe from elimination and guaranteed a place in the final four. Whoever makes the worst dish will not leave this restaurant alive.”

Kali and Jane are joined by four more women - each of them beautiful and frightening in different ways. “Meet the rest of the judges,” says Jane. “Nemesis, Selene, Zora, and Gilda.”

The quartet of villainesses do not acknowledge the suitors. They greet Kali and Jane with glee and take their seats around a long wood table.

“I love my girlfriends. They’re such a fun group - even Jane seems tolerable when the others are around.”

Kali - Little sister.

“Kali’s friends are deadly, but annoying.”

Jane - Big sister.

“The room is at peak evil. There’s enough power at that table to level any city on the planet.”

Zach - Intimidated by super-strong women.

“Dinner starts in twenty minutes,” says Jane. “I suggest you start cooking.”

The suitors run into the kitchen and almost trip on the corpses of the kitchen staff. They drag bodies out to the herb garden at the back of the building to make some space.

“We need an appetizer,” says Zach. “We need it fast. Who else has restaurant experience?”

Doug raises his hand. “I help out in the taproom sometimes. If there’s olive salad in the pantry, I can make a decent muffaletta.”

“This is a Michelin-starred restaurant,” says Zach. “Not a deli.”

“I own a sports bar,” says Fox.

“Get the fryer going,” says Zach. “You can make something golden, crunchy, and delicious.”

“How come you’re in charge?” asks Mackenzie.

“Because I run a bloody good restaurant. I’ll bang out the appetizers and give you losers time to sort yourselves out.”

“If they don’t have any fois gras in the walk-in, I am literally going to die.”

Zach B. - Professional chef.

“Nemesis,” asks Jane at the conclusion of the meal, “what was your least favorite of the dishes?”

“Doug’s fish was greasy,” says Nemesis. She mimes throwing up. “I took one bite and it went straight to my thighs.”

“Greasier than Fox’s chicken wings?” asks Selene. “Those things were gross. At least the fish was delicious.”

Gilda has a faraway look in her eyes. “Thunder comes resounding from the Earth to send all but the superior man scattering. I liked Zach’s salad, but his heart is touched by darkness.”

“Zach’s salad was good,” says Kali. “And he put it together in record time.”

“He’s a professional chef and he gives us a salad?” says Zora. “I was tempted to eviscerate him on the spot.”

“It was a fucking great salad,” says Nemesis.

Selene rolls her eyes. “Diet girl liked the salad. Big surprise.”

“I will gouge your eyes out. He’s a professional chef who put himself on the line by going first and giving the others a chance. That shows character.”

Kali nods. “Agreed.”

Gilda slams the palms of her hands onto the table. “The bird flies too high and its wings are burned. Mackenzie’s pork chop was over-done and over-seasoned.”

“I can still taste salt in my mouth,” says Jane.

“Are you sure that’s not semen?” asks Kali. “How was Roland’s last night, by the way?”

Jane laughs. “He didn’t get a blow job, I can tell you that much.”

Gilda’s eyes glow and a silver mist swirls around the top of her head. “A dragon rises in the west to do the bidding of the assassin in the east. Colby’s quail was a pleasant surprise. He has hidden depths.”

“Yes,” says Selene. “I’ve watched enough cooking shows to know quail is hard to get right. I was impressed.”

Zora laughs. “You watch cooking shows?”

“Shut up. It gets boring on the moon.”

“This is hopeless,” says Kali. “When was the last time we agreed on anything?”

“Legion of Heroes!” the other women shout in unison.

Kali laughs. “We killed the shit out of those guys.”

Gilda leans back and emits a piercing shriek, accompanied by a swarm of black insects that circle the room twice before vanishing. “Chaos reigns in its dark crystal. All who enter the valley will despair. Freddy’s pasta was not good. I think we can agree on that.”

Nemesis nods. “After eating that, I know how Captain Victory felt when I disemboweled him.”

“I brought my ‘A’ game today. I don’t care how awesome a chef Zach thinks he is - this one is in the bag.”

Freddy M. - Can’t even do pasta right.

The six suitors line up for judgment at the hands of the villainous women. Their culinary whites are stained with sweat and food detritus. Fox’s finger is wrapped in a dish towel stained with blood from a deep cut.

“Suitors,” says Jane. “I was honestly surprised you managed to put out six dishes. I thought for sure one of you would fail to produce anything. Well done.”

The men nod their heads at the unexpected compliment and high-five each other. For the first time since Kali was revealed as the object of their competition, they are happy.

“Having said that…” continues Jane.

The men become subdued as they suddenly remember where they are and what is about to happen.

“…we wish that a couple of you hadn’t bothered.”

“Freddy,” says Kali. “Your pasta was repugnant. I literally would have preferred to eat garbage.”

“I’m sorry,” says Freddy.

“Fox,” says Kali. “Your chicken wings were inedible and the blue cheese sauce smelled like a full diaper. Neither of you deserve to go on to the final four, but my stupid sister is making me choose.

“Freddy, you’ve spent this entire competition bumping along the bottom and I’m beginning to wonder how many times you can almost be eliminated before I just put you out of your misery.

“Fox, not only was your food unpleasant, you also cut your finger. That shows incompetence on multiple levels. You are eliminated.”

Kali and Zora fire beams of fire from their eyes into Fox’s chest. Jane’s handles crackle and she lashes out with a whip of blue light. Gilda forms a perfect sphere of incandescent starlight in the palm of her hand and sends it flying towards the doomed man with a puff of air. Selene throws a steak knife at several times the speed of sound. Nemesis makes a parting motion with her hands that tears Fox’s rib cage open from across the room.

Fox is torn apart, exploded, burned, disintegrated, and stabbed. A few smoking cubes of his flesh litter the far corners of the dining room, but he is mostly gone without a trace.

“Oh,” says Jane. “Colby’s quail was our favorite dish by far. You’re safe from elimination and you’ll be one of the final four. Well done.”

“I think I’m starting to get the hang of this game.”

Colby E. - Who knew?

The suitors are taken to the theater at a casino hotel in Las Vegas. “We’ve asked the villainesses to stick around to help judge this group date,” says Jane.

The theater stinks of fresh death. Apart from the villainesses, the audience is comprised of corpses. On stage, a dozen frightened male dancers are mixed in with the suitors.

“For this date, you will work with the Las Vegas Beefcakes to learn and perform a simple dance routine. The best dancer will be safe from elimination, guaranteed a spot in the final four along with Colby.”

Kali, Jane, Nemesis, Zora, Gilda, and Selene sit at a large round table. Terrified cocktail waitresses bring them colorful drinks in tall glasses garnished with pineapple fronds and paper umbrellas.

“Anyone who tries to leave the stage without permission will be flensed before disintegration,” says Kali.

Shaking with fear, the Beefcake dancers do their best to teach a few basic moves to the suitors. They settle on a simple routine that requires not much more than a few spins, crotch thrusts, and removal of clothing.

“This is boring,” says Selene.

“Beefcake not your thing?” asks Jane.

Selene rolls her eyes. She nods towards one of the cocktail waitresses. “That’s a little more my speed.”

The suitors run through their final routine, accompanied by wolf whistles and bawdy cheers from most of the superwomen. The men are unsure on their feet, badly coordinated, and fumble with their breakaway pants.

“That was horrible,” says Kali. “Very disappointing.”

“I thought Zach was tight,” says Zora.

“His dancing?” asks Nemesis.

“Nope.” Zora licks her lips.

Gilda’s head rotates through 360-degrees. “The superior man’s betrayal cracks the head of the mountain.”

“That sounds like a positive review to me,” says Jane. “Zach: you will join Colby in the final four. Freddy, Mackenzie, and Doug. One of you will be eliminated. Please remain on the stage. Kali?”

“I would like to give you all a little test of character,” says Kali. Each of you has ten seconds to choose one of the Beefcakes to die.”

Doug quickly points to the biggest of the beefcake dancers. Mackenzie points to the most talented. Freddy hesitates before he points to the dancer closest to him.

Kali reduces the three chosen dancers to ash with her heat vision. She floats up to the stage and examines the three suitors in turn. “Doug and Mackenzie, your choices were driven by jealousy as much as they were fear. You’re insecure and weak. However, Freddy picked the one closest too him. It was clear that he just felt pressured to make a decision - any decision. There was no spite or resentment at work, just fear and confusion. I can’t have somebody that wishy-washy in my life.”

She collars Freddy. “You’ve had this coming for a long time. You’ve been collared.” Kali leads Freddy out of the theater to one of the penthouse suites.

“Ladies,” says Jane to the remaining superwomen. “The rest of the Beefcakes - or anyone else who takes your eye - are yours to do with as you wish. Thank you for your assistance. A pleasure, as always.”

“This was a lot of fun. I know it’s mean, but I kind of hope it doesn’t work out with any of the guys, so we can do this all again next year.”

Selene - Bitten by the reality TV bug.

In the penthouse suite, Kali ties Freddy to the bed with silk scarves - tight enough to keep him secure, but not enough to cut off the flow of blood to his extremities. She snaps the padlock from his chastity cage with her fingertips and releases his cock. She brings him to full hardness with a few quick pumps of her hand. Freddy is spreadeagled on the covers, his dick sticking up like a telegraph pole.

“Do you enjoy a challenge?” she asks.

“Sure,” says Freddy. “Will it keep you from killing me?”

“No. But how long you stay alive is up to you.”

Kali undresses. She floats up and hovers over Freddy in a horizontal position. She carefully lowers herself until the tip of Freddy’s cock is barely touching her clitoris. She hovers in a tight circle, using his tip to stimulate her clitoris like a sex toy. Their faces are almost touching - she runs her tongue over and into his mouth.

“Here’s the challenge. I’m going to play you like a sex toy. If you try to enter me, I’ll kill you. If you beg me to be allowed to come, I’ll kill you. If you come, I’ll kill you before you can enjoy it. How long can you hold out?”

Freddy quivers and whimpers. He wants to thrust inside her more than anything, but if he moves his hips, he’s a dead man. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I can, Freddy. Nobody can stop me doing whatever I want and right now, I want to tease-torture you until you can’t take it any more. I want to take you to a place where death would be preferable to being touched by me for even another second.”

“Fuck you.”

“Try it and you’re dead.”

Kali rubs out a series of orgasms against the tip of Freddy’s dick, each one wetter and louder than the one before. Freddy groans with frustration as she continues to tease him.

After an hour, Freddy is in tears and Kali is in heaven. Her orgasms roll into each other like a series of waves crashing against the shore. The end of Freddy’s dick is raw from being ground against her invulnerable clitoris, but he’s still harder than seems possible, still on the edge.

“Fuck it,” he says. “I can’t take this.” He thrusts his crotch hard against her.

Kali gasps as the man enters her and screams with ecstasy as he explodes inside her. Her eyes glow orange and she disintegrates Freddy’s head before he can take more than a moment’s pleasure from his orgasm.

“He lasted a lot longer than I thought he would.”

Kali - Satisfied.

6: It's all relative

“I want to keep that super-psycho as far away from my friends and family as possible, but it’s time for home town dates. Jane and the crew flew ahead on the Gulfstream to set things up, and I guess Kali’s going to fly us to the dates herself.”

Doug D. - Craft brewer.

Kali lands in the parking lot of a large craft brewery. Grain silos, fermentation tanks, and pallets of empty cans tower over the few vehicles in the parking lot. Doug is tucked under Kali’s arm.

Jane meets them at the entrance to the tap room. “Doug. You’re the brewmaster here, and we’ve arranged for Kali to meet your family over brunch in the brewery restaurant.”

“We don’t serve brunch,” says Doug.

“You do now,” says Kali.

The taproom is empty but for a skeleton crew of staff, and Doug’s family - his mother, father, and sister - who sit at a table made from a huge, cut-off wine barrel.

Everyone hugs, except for Kali. They all sit and everyone orders a beer.

“Doug’s beer is the only beer I like,” says Doug’s mom.

“You must be very proud of him,” says Kali. “Tell me, why should I marry your son?”

Doug’s father hems and haws. “We raised the boy right.”

“He’s a good boy,” says his mom. “Very respectful of women.”

Doug’s sister, Cynthia, lets out a snort before she catches herself.

“You have something to add?” asks Kali.

“Mom and dad are full of shit,” says Cynthia. The wet look in her eyes indicates this may not be her first drink of the day.

“Cynthia,” says Doug’s dad. “This is not the time for your nonsense. Miss Kali doesn’t need to hear our dirty laundry.”

Kali raises her eyebrows. “I think I do. If you want me to be part of the family.”

“They don’t want you to be part of the family,” says Cynthia. “They’re humoring you because they know you could kill everyone in this room. They’re afraid of you.”

“And you’re not?”

“Of course I’m afraid, I just think you’re awesome is all. You deserve to know the truth about Doug. He’s got zero respect for women. Why do you think he’s still single? Because no-one will put up with him being an asshole. You deserve better. You’re the coolest, baddest bitch in the world.”

Kali disintegrates the young woman with an intense burst of heat vision. “I don’t like the ‘B’ word. I cannot emphasize that enough.”

“Oh god,” says Doug’s mom. “You killed my daughter. My baby!”

“You’re the baby,” says Kali. “Instead of wailing about her, you should concentrate on saving the life of the kid you still have left. Either I marry him, or I kill him: that’s the deal.”

“Young lady,” says Doug’s father. “It’s clear to me that you have lacked a strong male role model in your life.”

A wry smile crosses Kali’s face. “You’d be surprised.”

“If you marry my son, I won’t have you killing people all over the place. I won’t have you bringing shame upon this family. I won’t have it at all.”

Kali considers his words, then decapitates him with a supersonic hand swipe. “You don’t get much of a say in the matter.”

“Why did you bring this devil woman into our life?” wails Doug’s mom.

“Stop provoking her,” says Doug. “Do you want to die?”

Kali tilts her head. “So, you’re not going to defend me?” she asks Doug. “All you care about is whether or not your stupid family die? Your mother insulted me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“And where’s my damn beer? How long does it take to pour a pint in this place?” She catches sight of their server and drills a pair of holes through his skull with heat vision.

“Oh, god.” Says Doug. He wipes tears from his eyes as he looks over the headless corpse of his dad, the layer of ash that used to be his sister, and his hysterical mother.

“I think this is going well,” says Kali. “Are you going to get the French Toast? Can I have a bite?”


Kali deposits Colby on the steps of the Brooke Museum in Silver City. His mom welcomes her son and his flying female companion with a distracted smile.

“Welcome,” she says. “It’s so nice to see Colby with a girlfriend. Do you like art?”

“I like stealing it,” says Kali.

Colby’s mom shrieks with laughter and clamps a hand over her mouth. “Oh, you’re going to get me into trouble. Stealing art? I never heard of such a thing. I’ll take you to the Renaissance Wing - that’s my domain, whatever that cow Bernice might say.”

“Who’s Bernice?” asks Kali.

“She’s a cow,” says Colby.

“Big cow,” says his mom. They both laugh.

They stroll through the museum towards the Renaissance galleries. Colby’s mom points out paintings of particular interest.

“If I were going to steal one painting from this museum,” asks Kali, “which would you recommend?”

Colby’s mom stops and thinks. “Very good question. Are you a collector, or are you stealing for the money?”

“I’ve more than enough money,” says Kali. “I want something to hang over my bed.”

Colby’s mom pokes at Kali’s shoulder. “You are so bad! Over your bed. I never heard of such a thing. My personal favorite painting is the Contessa de la Rouche. It’s not the most valuable piece we have, but I swear her boobies follow you around the room.”

Kali laughs. “Your mom’s a hoot,” she tells Colby.

“That’s my mom, all right.”

They appreciate the painting of a naked Contessa on a chaise-longue for a few minutes before Kali vaults over the guard rail. She takes the painting - frame and all - from the wall. Alarms sound. Two security guards run into the gallery, but Kali melts their faces before they even have time to draw their weapons.

“You’re really not supposed to touch the paintings,” says Colby’s mom.

“Who’s going to stop me?”

“I’m quite cross with you,” says Colby’s mom. “It’s one thing to joke and lark around about stealing art. I like to think I have a healthy sense of humor. It’s quite another to actually commit a crime. And those poor men’s faces.”

“You want me to do the same to yours?”

“I suppose I could let you take the painting. We’ll call it an early wedding gift.”

Kali hoists the painting over her shoulder. “I love shopping at museums.”

“Colby’s mom is sweet and she knows when to back down. That’s a winning combination in my book.”

Kali - Doesn’t know a lot about art, but takes what she likes.

“Kali is a little odd, but if she makes Colby happy, then she’s welcome to join our family.”

Diana E. - Colby’s Mom

“We have some special guests on the show today,” says Mackenzie. At the radio station he’s in his element, protected by his mighty microphone. “My father: Mackenzie Radcliffe, Sr. Also, notorious supervillainess, mass murderer, and all-around force for evil: Kali. Dad and Kali, welcome to the Mack Attack.”

“Harrumph,” says Mackenzie Senior.

“Charmed,” says Kali.

“Father, you don’t seem pleased to be here.”

“This super-powered bimbo snatched me out of an important meeting and brought me here against my will. Of course I’m not pleased to be here, son. What’s wrong with you?”

Kali snorts. “Important meeting? You were drinking boilermakers at the VFW.”

“Impudent wench!”

“Okay, let’s keep it civil. The reason Kali is here today is because we’re dating. I wanted her to meet my family and see where I work. She’s a busy woman, so we combined the two.”

“Busy being evil,” says Mackenzie Senior.

“That’s right,” says Kali. “Do you have a problem with an evil woman being your daughter-in-law? Are you prejudiced?”

“It’s not prejudice! You’re a monster.”

“A monster?” says Kali. “I don’t see any claws or wings or fangs. Mackenzie, sweetie, do you think I’m a monster?”

“Outwardly, no. You’re quite beautiful. But you have to admit that most of what you do, day-to-day, could be described as morally monstrous. How many people have you killed?”

“I don’t know. Is that all it takes to be a monster? Killing people? If that’s true, then half your Dad’s friends at the VFW are monsters as well.”

“They were soldiers defending their country,” says Mackenzie Senior.

“Or, they were soldiers attacking somebody else’s country. Morality is relative - there’s no shame in admitting that. Might makes right, and there’s none mightier than me.”


“Can I take it that you don’t approve of me dating your son?”

“You will never receive my blessing,” says Mackenzie Senior.

“You’re playing with fire, father.”

“Literally.” Kali fires a burst of heat vision that sets fire to Mackenzie Senior’s clothes.

He jumps up from his chair and runs around in a panic.

Mackenzie grabs a fire extinguisher, but before he can trigger it, Kali pulls it out of his hands. She rams it down his father’s throat - smashing his chest apart from the inside.

“That could have gone better.”

Kali - Short-tempered.

“Dad was an asshole. I hope he hasn’t taken me down with him.”

Mackenzie R. - Never liked his Dad much.

“Zachary, baby.” Zach’s mom kisses him three times on alternating cheeks.

“Son,” says his dad.

“Mom, Dad, this is Kali,” says Zach.

“Pleased to meet you,” says his mom.

“Sit, eat, drink!” says his dad.

The family restaurant has been closed for this private event. The kitchen keeps a stream of high-carbohydrate Italian comfort food flowing to the table. Zach’s family, including cousins, aunts, and uncles, crowd around Zach and Kali.

“So, you’re the big bad,” says Zach’s cousin Mannie.

“That’s what they tell me.”

Mannie laughs. “Awesome.”

“I’ve got to say, you guys are a lot more welcoming than the other families. What’s up? You don’t mind feeding a murderer?” asks Kali.

Zach’s mom shrugs. “You’re not the first killer to eat here, and I doubt you’ll be the last.”

“This is going to be on TV,” says Zach.

“Hush, I’m not going to name any names. I’m not a snitch.”

“The first nursery rhyme I learned was called ‘Snitches Get Stitches.’”

Zachary B. - Not a snitch, either.

“Zachary’s first serious girlfriend,” says Zach’s dad, “was an honest-to-goodness Mafia princess. Her father nearly had him whacked when they split up.”

“Until he found out his princess had been cheating on my boy,” says Zach’s mom. “The tramp. Kali, you’re not eating. You don’t like the food?”

Kali smiles. “It’s great. I don’t eat veal, though.”

Zach’s mom gives Zach a smack on the cheek. “Zachary! You don’t tell us this before I put a big plate of veal scallopini in her face? What is wrong with you, boy?”

Zach’s Dad gets up. “I’ll make sure the kitchen knows what’s what.” He wanders back to the kitchen, stopping at the sommelier to intercept several bottles of wine on their way to the table. He takes a taste and shakes his head. The sommelier scurries away to retrieve something better.

Zach’s ten-year old cousin Julie pipes up. “You kill people, but you don’t eat veal?”

Kali snorts. “Have you met people? I like animals better.”

The party laughs. Kali has a faraway look on her face.

“I’m not used to people being relaxed around me. They laughed because they thought what I said was funny, not because they were scared I’d kill them if they didn’t. I can tell the difference. Bloody super-senses. I think I like it.”

Kali - Not used to being accepted.

Back at the mansion, the remaining four suitors line up. The pretense of a cocktail party has been lost - the men are dressed in nothing but bow ties and chastity cages.

“It’s decision time,” says Jane. “After meeting your families, and killing some of them, it’s time for Kali to pick who will go on to the finale and who will be eliminated. Two of you will meet Kali’s family and the other two will die.”

“Honestly,” says Kali. “Dying would be preferable to meeting my mum and dad.”

“This is the last collar ceremony,” says Jane. She gives Kali two collar and leash sets. One is stained with the dried blood of earlier eliminations. “Please pick two suitors to eliminate.”

“Doug,” says Kali. “You family were rude to me. Even though I killed them, I’m still mad about it and about you not standing up for me. Please step forward.”

Doug’s shoulders slump and he steps forward with an air of glum acceptance. Kali collars him and gestures for him to kneel at her right.

“Zach and Colby. I liked your families. They were welcoming and crazy enough for me to get along with. I barely wanted to eviscerate any of them. Mackenzie - your father was a dick and he had to die.”

Mackenzie shakes with fear. “I’m not like him.”

“You’re more like him than you know. Please step forward.”

“Fuck you.”

Kali snorts. “You’re about to get your chance to do exactly that.” She collars Mackenzie and gestures for him to kneel at her left. “Zach and Colby, rest up. You’re going to need it.”

“I have to believe there’s a chance for me to get back into the game if I do a good job pleasing Kali. I just hope ‘the Mack Attack’ doesn’t screw it up for the both of us.”

Doug D. - Optimist

“Doug’s delusional if he thinks there’s any chance of us getting out of this alive. Our only hope is for a quick death and I don’t like our odds.”

Mack R. - Pessimist

Kali leads her naked sex toys to the roof of the mansion. A full moon dominates the night sky. “I hope Selene isn’t spying on me.”

She removes the men’s chastity cages and strokes them to full hardness. She forces Doug to kneel in front of her and Mack behind. “I want both of you to eat me out. Doug will feast on my pussy and Mack will tongue my asshole. Get me nice and wet and we move on to the next stage. Fail to please me and I’ll skin you alive.”

Doug throws himself into the challenge with gusto, assaulting Kali’s clitoris and vagina with eager laps of his tongue. Mack is more tentative. Kali grabs his head from behind and shoves his mouth against her ass with enough force to break his nose on the crack between her shapely buttocks. He works his tongue into her tight anus and is greeted by a lusty moan.

“Keep it up, boys. I’m going to need your cocks when I’m warmed up, and if you’re not ready for me, I won’t be happy.”

Doug’s dick remains hard and quivering, but Mack’s has softened - a sign of his distaste at tonguing Kali’s ass. He strokes himself back to a full erection.

“Careful, Mack. I want you hard, but if you come, you’re dead.”

Mack slows his masturbation to a pace that maintains hardness with no risk of inadvertent orgasm.

Doug has a faraway, beatific look in his eyes as Kali’s pussy juices run down his chin. It’s as if he’s overcome with religious fervor, worshiping at the altar of her vagina.

“Good job,” she says. “I’m having second thoughts about you, Doug.”

Kali howls at the moon as she comes. She lets Doug and Mack steer her through an intense follow-up orgasm before she yanks them away and to their feet. She kisses Doug hard on the mouth and licks her juices from his face.

“Mack goes first.” Kali grabs him by the buttocks and shoves him inside her. “Don’t forget: you come, you die.”

The panicked look in Mack’s eyes indicate that not coming is more of a challenge than he had anticipated.

Kali flies her and Mack up into the night sky. As she rockets up, she thrusts the man inside her like a human dildo. She stops when they reach an altitude of ten thousand feet.

“Here’s the challenge,” she tells the shivering man. “In free fall, it will take about a minute for us to hit the ground. I can survive the impact, but you can’t. Make me come before we hit and I’ll let you live.”

Kali rotates so she and Mack are lying with him on his back and her above. She releases her hold on his buttocks and he grabs at her hips to keep himself from falling. Kali sighs as he slips in and out of her.

Kali and Mack begin to fall - her on top and him beneath. Mack does his best to fuck her as they plummet, but gravity is not on his side and he doesn’t have a good grip on her. Kali smiles as they reach terminal velocity. The ground zooms up towards them.

They land next to the mansion with a squelching crunch. Kali comes at the moment of impact, a short, sharp orgasm that’s more about the death of the man than his physical presence inside her. His crumpled, smashed body lies beneath her.

Doug watches with horror from the roof.

Kali flies up to him, coated with blood and other remains of Mack. “Your turn. Think you’re up to making me come before we hit the ground?”

“Only one way to find out.”

Kali takes him inside her and flies them both up to the appropriate altitude. Doug makes the most of the ascent - fucking her on the way up. When she turns, he scissors his legs around her and holds on tight. His expression seems faraway as he concentrates on grinding her to climax.

At an altitude of a thousand feet, Kali screams in ecstasy as she comes hard. She stops their descent. Unable to control himself, Doug pounds against her and screams out himself as he comes inside Kali.

“Oh, goddess,” he shouts. “Oh, goddess!”

“That was very impressive,” says Kali. “But I told you not to come.”

She pushes him away and lets him fall the final thousand feet by himself.

“That was kind of a waste, but rules are rules.”

Kali - Has a lot of rules.

7: Meeting her family

Colby and Zach eat an awkward breakfast in the mansion’s kitchen.

“Did you think you’d ever make it this far?” asks Zach.

“I’m still confused about the whole thing,” says Colby. “I’ve no idea what I’m doing.”

Zach laughs. “Probably why you made it to the end.” He holds out his hand. “May the best man win.” They shake hands.

Jane appears. Her expression is sour. “Good morning, suitors. You are the only ones left.”

“Doug and Mackenzie are gone?” asks Colby.

Jane nods. “They’re hosing what’s left of them off the lawn right now.”

“What happens next?” asks Zach.

Jane closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Time to meet our mother.”


A helicopter lands in a blasted clearing in the rain forest. A concrete, glass, and steel facility - like a cross between a military bunker and a hospital - dominates one end of the clearing. A slight woman in black jeans, yellow rain boots, and a pristine white lab coat waits at the main door, tapping one foot, impatiently.

“You’re late,” says Professor Constance.

“We’d have been on time if you’d given us better directions,” says Jane.

“Your crew had no difficulty following my instructions,” says Constance. “Don’t give me excuses, Jane. I raised you better than that.”

Kali gives the Professor a peck on the cheek. “Hi, mum. How are you?”

“I’m fine, of course. It’s good to see you Rosalind. We’d best get everyone inside before the sun goes down.”

Colby and Zach look a little green from the helicopter ride. “Rosalind?” asks Colby.

“You thought Kali was her real name?” asks Professor Constance. “What kind of a mother do you think I am?” She turns to Kali. “Who are these idiots?”

“My suitors,” says Kali. “I’m going to marry one of them.”

Constance snorts. “Don’t like the look of either of them, but bring them inside if you don’t want them skeletonized by my flying piranha monkeys. They hunt at night.”

“Mom’s cool.”


“My mother is a total nightmare.”


Professor Constance ushers them into her research facility.

“It’s an honor to meet you,” says Zach. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Kiss-ass and a liar,” says Constance. “Lovely. Let me take a look at your teeth.”

“They’re in perfect health,” says Kali.

“They appear perfectly ordinary. My daughters deserve better than ordinary. I’ll need to test their genetic material.”

Kali groans. “Can you just take a blood sample?”

Constance smiles. “You know I can’t do that. I’ve prepped a pair of probe-a-trons for your boys. Do you want me to strap them in, or will you?”

“I’ll do it. This is weird enough without you seeing them naked.”

“I’m a grown woman. I can’t believe my mother still wants to subject the men in my life to invasive medical examinations. It’s so embarrassing.”


Zach and Colby are stripped naked. Their arms and legs disappear into gray metal cylinders secured to the floor and ceiling of the lab. Metal spheres, about eighteen inches in diameter, hover before each of the men.

Tentacle-like metal cables snake out of the spheres towards the men’s orifices. A thick tentacle plunges into each man’s anus and infiltrates deep into the rectum. A tubular tentacle snakes over each man’s penis and vibrates until the men are hard and wedged in tight. They scream and gasp in unison.

“Don’t struggle while the urethra probe is inserted,” says Kali. “I guarantee you’ll regret it.”

Three-pronged tentacles attach themselves to the men’s faces - one tube goes down the mouth and throat, whilst two smaller tubes go into each nostril. The men gag and retch.

“Don’t worry about asphyxiation,” says Kali. “Oxygen is flowing into your lungs. You might still choke on your own vomit, so try to suppress that gag reflex.”

Small tubes thread into the ears and tentacles tipped with suction cups secure themselves over the men’s eye sockets. Blind, deaf, and dumb, Zach and Colby are incapable of protest as the probe-a-trons begin their work. The tubes around their penises undulate sensuously.

“Don’t worry about breaking my ‘no orgasms’ rule,” say Kali. “The probe-a-tron can milk you dry without any pleasure whatsoever. I’m told it’s like peeing scalding hot semen.”

The men shake in silence as more tentacles cover their bodies with a variety of medical devices and needles. Vials ringing the spheres of the probe-a-trons slowly fill with semen, saliva, stomach acid, mucuses, and intestinal waste.

“Don’t ask me why she does this,” says Kali. “A couple of cotton swabs would be enough. I’ll be back in an hour. Try to relax and think nice thoughts. Let the probe-a-trons do their thing.”

“That was completely unnecessary.”


“I almost wish she’d killed me instead.”


Professor Constance tuts and tsks as she examines the results of each test. “Neither of these men are an acceptable mate,” she concludes.

“What do you mean?” asks Kali.

“I mean that you do not have my blessing to marry either of them.”

“I don’t need your blessing. I just want to know which one of them you like more.”

Constance shrugs. “I believe both have the capacity to cause you emotional pain. It would be best to kill them before they get the chance. I have a vat of a new kind of acid I’ve been meaning to try. I can dissolve them right here. It’s not a problem.”

“You are not going to dissolve my dates in acid.”

“Suit yourself.”

“You’ll come to the wedding, though?”

“Why would I do that?”

“It’s supposed to be the most special day of my life and my mum doesn’t even want to be there. This is awful.”


“Told you. Nightmare.”


In a purple place where dimensions grind against one another, Kali, Jane, Colby, and Zach stand on a blasted plain of volcanic rock. Before them stands a prismatic cage of yellow light. Within the cage is a ten foot tall humanoid figure of living metal. The alien man is naked, erect, and quivering with aroused frustration.

“Be warned,” says Jane. “Kali’s father, in addition to being one of the most powerful creatures in the universe, is also a gigantic douchebag.”

“Daughter,” says Star Fiend.

“Hello, Dad,” says Kali. “How are things?”

“I am trapped in this prison your mother wove around me. Every moment of my existence is tainted with agony and frustration of such intensity you could not imagine. Every waking instant, I imagine my escape and revenge most horrible. If I could, I would tear your world asunder and visit such vile degradations upon your mother you would weep to hear tell of them.”

Kali shrugs. “Same old, same old.”

“Why have you come and why have you brought these lesser beings with you?”

“I’m going to take a husband.” She gestures to Colby and Zach. “One of these two men. I wanted you to meet them and find out what you think.”

“It matters not. Are you determined to proceed with this union?”

“I am.”

“Then let Arbiter examine the cattle in greater detail.”

A hooded figure steps out from behind Star Fiend’s prison. With a wave of his hands, he cocoons Colby and Zach within glistening translucent strands of webbing. After a few minutes, the cocoons erupt in blue flame and burn away.

Star Fiend stares at the two men as if they were samples of bacteria in a petris dish. “They are so far beneath you that the thought of you coupling with either of them sickens me. Even tainted as you are with human blood, a marriage this low would bring disgrace to my clan unto the ninth generation.”

Kali sighs. “There is no clan. You’re the last. I know you can’t come to the wedding,” says Kali, “but will you watch the ceremony through a viewing portal?”

“I care as little for your nuptials as I do for any other event on the miserable rock you call home. I wish I had never discovered your planet and met the vile harridan you call mother.”

“Dad, could we have at least one conversation that doesn’t devolve into how much you hate Mum? Every time I talk to you, it’s ‘I’m going to destroy her,’ or ‘I will summon the armada and disintegrate her in the beams of a million death cruisers.’ Don’t you care about me?”


Kali sobs.

“I never expected to feel sorry for her.”


“Jane was right. Kali’s Dad is an enormous douchebag.”


“Not that my dad’s much better. You don’t get a lot of fatherly love from a being of pure energy, let me tell you. Still, at least he wasn’t as much of a knucklehead as this guy.”


“I’m so upset, I don’t even know who I could kill to make myself feel better.”


8: Wedding belles

Kali, Jane, and the suitors are on the back lawn of Kali’s island mansion, where everything began.

“Have you made a decision?” asks Jane. “Who is the winning suitor?”

“This has been one of the hardest decisions of my life.” Kali looks at each man in turn. “Zach. The welcome your family gave me hope that you and yours can accept me for who I am. I’m evil and that’s never going to change, but I feel like you might be okay with that.

“Colby. You seem like a decent guy and I’m not sure I could live with someone like that for the rest of my life, or however long until I get bored of marriage. I feel like you would expect me to be a better person, that you might make me want to be that better person, but that’s just not who I am.

“I choose Zach to be my husband.”

“Congratulations, Zach,” says Jane. “Is there something you would like to ask Kali?”

“I can’t do this,” says Zach.

“Get on your knees and ask me to marry you, you son of a bitch!” screams Kali.

Zach turns and runs for the nearest patch of jungle. Stunned, Kali lets him leave as tears roll down her cheeks. “I can’t believe he did that.”

Colby clears his throat. He kneels in front of Kali. “Will you marry me, Kali? Will you do me the great honor of allowing me to be your husband?”

Kali smiles like a great white shark. “Thank you, Colby. Thank you so much. I will marry you, once I’ve finished killing Zach.”

“A good, old-fashioned manhunt will do wonders for the ratings. That’s what reality television is all about. I swear, you couldn’t write this stuff if you tried.”


“I’m the luckiest man alive.”


Kali tracks Zach through the jungle, floating above tangled roots and vines with silent grace. The trail he’s left as he blunders through the rough terrain is easy to follow.

Out of breath, Zach trips on a thick root and falls to the ground. He tries to get to his feet, but his ankle gives way. Kali approaches. She burns away his clothes with a burst of heat vision. He tries to crawl away from her, but she brings him up short with another blast of heat vision.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” she asks. “Where do you get off, turning me down?”

“I’m sorry. I got cold feet. We can work this out. Please don’t kill me.”

“Fuck you.”

She tears a tree out of the ground. She chops and shapes the trunk with her hands - moving faster and more powerfully than any power tool - into a smooth spear, with a viciously pointed end.

“Bend over.”


With a puff of super-breath, she blows him head-over-heels. Before he has time to react, she skewers him on the spike, shoving it into his asshole. He screams as she pushes it further into his rectum. She lifts the pole vertically and rams it into the ground.

“You’re not worth fucking to death,” she says. She turns her back on him and flies away.

“I’m going to let him die slowly and think about what he’s done. Actions have consequences. Did he really think I was going to let him get away with that?”

Kali - Angry when spurned.

The wedding is an open-air ceremony, held on the back lawn of Kali’s island mansion, and officiated by supervillain Gilda. In addition to being worshiped as a goddess on three alien worlds, Gilda is high priestess of the Reformed Church of Chaos.

Colby waits beneath an arch of black roses. He is naked, apart from a bow tie and his chastity cage. He is forced into a stress position by a humbler - a curved piece of metal wedged behind his thighs and attached to a cuff around his testicles. Even trying to adjust for comfort would cause a painful tug on his balls.

The guest list is small, consisting of Kali’s supervillain friends and Colby’s immediate family. The look on his mother’s face is a mixture of pride and disgust.

Kali strides down the aisle in black leather and titanium battle armor. Jane trails behind as her maid-of-honor, in an unflattering white and peach dress that is alternately loose and tight in the wrong places.

Colby bows his head.

“Colby,” says Gilda, “do you accept Kali’s dominion and absolute authority over you as your wife and mistress? Do you swear to love her, honor her, obey her every command, and satisfy her slightest whims. Do you promise to have no will but hers, for as long as she chooses to let you live?”

“I do.”

“Kali, do you take Colby to be your subservient husband and peon? Do you swear to control him, dominate him, abuse him, and discard him when you get bored?”

“I do.”

“By the power invested in me by myself, I now declare you Mistress and Husband. What I have bound together, only Kali can separate. Colby, you must now kiss the bride.”

Kali waits for Colby to stand and kiss her. He tries to get to his feet and winces in agony as the humbler does its job. Kali watches him struggle in pain for a couple of minutes before she takes mercy on him and breaks the solid steel bar of the humbler in two with her little finger.

The newlyweds embrace and kiss. Kali puts her arms around Colby’s waist and flies him up and across to her mansion. “Let’s get this marriage good and consummated.”


Alone apart from a camera drone, Kali and Colby sit on their marital bed, holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes.

“Are you nervous?” asks Colby. “I’m nervous.”

“No,” says Kali. “Oh, goddess. You’re not a virgin are you?”

Colby blushes. “I was saving myself for the right girl.”

“That’s not me. All right, newbie, let me show you how it’s done.”

Kali removes her battle armor and rips away Colby’s chastity cage. As tender as a woman who can bench-press an aircraft carrier can be, she guides Colby inside her and wraps her legs around him. She lifts the two of them into the air, floating their coitus several feet above the bed.

“I can’t help thinking about all the people who died,” says Colby. “Just so we could be together.”

“Don’t waste your thoughts on them. They’re not worth it. Pleasing me is all that matters.”

“I’m sorry, Kali. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Close to climax, Kali only half-listens. “Don’t be silly. You couldn’t hurt me if you tried.”

“Your father sends his regards.”

Colby explodes. A surge of energy more powerful than an exploding sun rips through his member and into Kali. She is blown through the roof of the mansion, thousands of feet into the air, suspended on an expanding column of plasma. The mansion is consumed in fire, the wedding site burns, taking the human guests with it. Jane throws up a shield of pure energy that protects her and Gilda from the inferno.

Kali’s scream is louder than a hundred thunderclaps. The few trees left standing on the island after the explosion are toppled by the force of the scream. It’s not a shout of pain or a death scream, it’s the sound of the most intense climax the universe has experienced since the big bang. The blast intended to kill her has, instead, pushed her over the edge to an orgasm beyond imagination.

Kali falls to earth. She lands in the middle of the crater where here mansion once stood. She twitches with aftershocks of joy and mutters the words “Oh, goddess,” over and over.

Jane flies over and kicks Kali in the butt. “You okay there, sis?”

Kali rolls over. Her eyes, tits, and vagina glow bright as the sun. “That was fucking amazing.”

“What the hell happened? Did you do that?”

“No. Colby was some kind of bomb. Dad used him to try and kill me, it would appear.”

“Well, bollocks. That’s a waste of a perfectly good television show.”

“No, it just means we’re going to have to do another season. Start looking for candidates. Make sure they’re cute and breakable.”

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